Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Holy Bible

According to this fucked up sounding theory promoted by all religions of every sort is that bit about how their various and sundry gods have fucked off and will not be back for a very long long time, but fortunately all is not lost for a suffering humanity, for before the gods departed they left behind that all important full documentation, as well as instructions for those all important priests. You see it was some kind of divine plan that once the priest showed up God would fuck off for one hell of a long time. Given a divine plan like that you can understand that unless the priest was on the job the world could quickly become very ungodly in one hell of a big hurry and that is why the various and sundry gods decided to leave behind full documentation so that everyone could be reminded by priests just how powerful an influence such gods once were on the planet such a very very long long fucking time ago, when the gods were quite busy, for a brief time, so that the book that brings salvation could be written so that people could be saved by reading documentation because, as it so very obvious with hindsight, they sure as to hell were never going to be saved by any gods.

This part of the divine plan of those various and sundry gods could be considered quite thoughtful of them given that at least those missing gods made some small advance preparations to save something somewhere somehow given how those gods were never planning to do sweet fuck all themselves and so therefore they made sure that there were going to be priests and that priests would have documentation so that there would always be someone around to save somebody even if it wasn’t a god doing the saving. The latter idea would have probably have been better, certainly much less laborious, but these divine plans do have a tendency to take the form of fucked up looking divine mysteries and, besides, who are we to argue with the flawless and holy plans of gods?

Now there are people who are just dogmatic, just adamant, that the divine plan of the god was to leave behind these books, and that getting saved means picking the one correct book, while going to hell means picking the wrong one. Therefore, it seems to me, it must logically follow that humanity must pick the perfect book and reject the fucked up book. This would exclude picking the Bible, for as everyone who knows anything at all is aware the Bible is a contradictory fuck up as far as books go, and atheists spend a lot of time and effort to remind people of this fact, although that really isn’t necessary because it is just so damned obvious. One of the reasons why atheists are perpetually busy people and are always to be found exhausting themselves by making and then remaking such obvious and indisputable points is that atheists are a bit like evangelists themselves and this drives them to try to make an obvious point acceptable to religious people, which would take one hell of a long time, if it could ever be done at all, which then explains why we have such perpetually busy, always slightly disgusted atheists.

The point being made by atheists is beyond dispute, and is the winning argument, and this is quite clear to those who think long term, or come to think of it, the ruinous destruction of religion is now in its advance stages, and so I think we can say that the argument of atheists is the winning argument even to those who now are found to be thinking short term, since apparently they were unable to think long term in the past and therefore are now found desperately searching for short term solutions and quick fixes.

And what is this indisputable point being made by the victors in that long dragged out quarrel? It is simply this : if gods were to write books don’t you think they could have done a better job. The fucked up bible is, in and of it itself, more than sufficient evidence that it could not be a ‘holy bible’, and is it really necessary to make an obvious point even more obvious by proceeding to the next redundant step and creating a mess of fucked up religious people to make that point even clearer to everyone in the world. If this all wasn’t bad enough, people can always be reminded that one hell of a long fucking time has passed and there has been no gods on this planet to do an encore performance of their stupendous feats of super duper daring do. Tragically, as far as it concerns religion, it only has theologians and their fucked up tortured attempts to make a fucked up idea like that one seem like a very mysterious divine plan, and, to make matters worse, religion must rely upon those deviant sounding endlessly cooked up warp minded explanations served up by those destructive termites in the walls of the temples and mosques and churches, the biblical apologists.

Unfortunately the fucked up attempts by apologists to make it seem that black and white were both the same color could only ever convince those who were just desperately hard up to be deceived by someone, anyone, who would tell them just about any fucking thing. This is only a short term solution, although it could hardly be called a real solution, as you can tell when you visit those ex-religious atheist websites and blogs and they tell you that those fucked up apologists and their obviously fucked up attempts to deny the obvious truth were eventually what convinced them that atheism was the truth and that religion was a mass delusion.

Now, as people who are familiar with my blogging would be know, I call myself ‘the prophet of YAHWEH God’ (preacher of the Garden of Eden) and I wouldn’t be worth shit as a so called ‘prophet’ if I was unable to solve intractable ‘divine mysteries’. It turns out that the plain truth was that religion was doomed to lose the battle for religion is forever locked into a lie and can never tell the truth, and it proves to be impossible to answer an atheist unless you tell the truth. For the simple truth about religion is that YAHWEH hates it, and the simple truth about that fucked up thing known as the Bible is that all that you can expect to gain from studying a fuck up like that thing is to become totally confused and thoroughly fucked up, and it is for this reason that YAHWEH God also hates the fucked Bible. YAHWEH has no use for religion or its self serving invented doctrines and its dogmatic rationalizations all of which serve only the single purpose of denying the truth in the hopes of making it seem that leaving some ‘bride of Christ’ stood up at the altar ad infinitum was a very mysterious ‘divine plan’ of some fucking sort.

The truth about religion and the ‘one true faith’ is that when you are right you are right, but when you are wrong what you have there is what is known as an immobilized carved stump block, and not a god of any sort at all, as you can tell by how fucking long a carved stump block just sits immobilized upon some slab and never hops down to do an encore presentation of its mighty deeds. This would then explain the need for full documentation, since carved stump blocks were only busy in the very ancient past and then, once people were given that great divine gift of religion, the gods suddenly became immobilized stump blocks, for you see, the divine plan had come to fruition that time, and the time for deeds were over, for we had been blessed with the divine gift of salvation, and thus it was the end of the apostolic and prophetic age and the dawn of the new and glorious age of grace. For that reason the gods could safely become immobilized carved stump blocks without needing to worry anymore that perhaps people might not get saved, for you see, we had religion.

Yes, we had religion, praise the gods, but unfortunately we had to much religion, and given the fucked up nature of religion and her obviously fucked documentation, soon we had even more religion than before. First someone would have to be blamed for that carved stump block problem, and this usually involves blaming the failed religion of the past, and soon we have Muslims showing up and complaining about the failed stump block and then, as hindsight reveals, proceeding to stick the human race with yet one more immobilized stump block themselves, for that carved stump hasn’t done the limbo rock or the Charleston dance for close to fourteen hundred years. This has not prevented Muslims from continuing the scandalous practice of bowing down snout first five times a day before that motionless carved stump, since apparently since Islam is a religion, every who accepts the invitation to Islam becomes stupid enough to be found behaving so scandalously and bowing snout first to the ground before another one of history’s most infamous idols.

This obvious fact, that Allah is an immobilized worthless stump block that does sweet fuck all and has been abundantly proved to have been no damned good for anything, has never stopped some Muslim from issuing the ‘invitation to Islam’. My reply is that if Allah wishes to invite me to Islam, I might consider the idea, for it is my practice to refuse invitations extended by the followers of carved stump blocks. After all, just who the fuck do those Muslims think they are, doing the job of a god on behalf of a god in the absence of the god. Well, I guess someone had to do it or it just wouldn’t get done.

More religion was obviously the solution to this problem, and thus we find new religion busting out from time to time. Mormonism is one of the recent novelties, and I must ask if one century of bowing down before a stump block is long enough, or does every religion require fourteen hundred or even two thousand years of such scandalous conduct before the obvious truth is acknowledged. One of the most recent innovations in religion is the ‘Charismatic Christian Movement’, which is in its infancy, having had only decades to make the attempt to get a rise out of what every Charismatic acknowledges has been a long standing carved stump block. They haven’t had much luck, which doesn’t surprise a Prophet of YAHWEH (preacher of the Garden of Eden) for such people know nothing about the Garden, and therefore do not know YAHWEH by name, and they also think that Bible was a gift from heaven, and they also believe that theology and the doctrine of ‘salvation’ are just flawless and therefore cannot be touched, and so therefore we find such ‘Charismatics’ doing a little dusting around the place, since apparently their idea about God is that God is real fussy about dust, and once a little of the dust has been knocked off here and there that fussy God will suddenly no longer be a carved stump block but will start acting like a God once again. ‘God’s like the place to be clear, for they are fussy creatures.’ This is the new innovative theory of the Charismatic movement.

One of the big reasons why the Charismatic Christians would be fucked up enough to think that everything was fine just the way it was before, except for a little dust, is that Charismatics read the Bible, faithfully, and loyally, just like they were supposed to, with the difference that they are actually going to be faithful while they read the Bible, and do such things as ‘declare the Word with their mouths’, just to really impress God, and thus finally, at long last, after ages of time, get some results. You see Charismatics are convinced that God is not a carved stump block, but rather something is fucked up, which is true. How they could miss that part about that supremely fucked up Bible I will never understand, given the time and energy invested by a Prophet of YAHWEH (preacher of the Garden of Eden) to point that out to them in the past, not to mention all the prodigious amount of time and effort invested by all those ever busy atheists in the same project, for different reasons.

Yes, the Bible is fucked up, and if the solution is not to be constantly inventing new religions, these being religions that finally got it straight, so they say, perhaps the solution is to do what the Catholics did so long, long ago, right at the beginning of Church history, when they looked at that divine document and realized that it was supremely fucked up. According to the way the Catholics thought, given how mysterious and hard to fucking understand such a contradictory fucked up book was to the average reader, and given that it was priests who were responsible for the editing and the voting for this book or that book which took place in the fourth century, when the church Bible was voted into existence by priests, well, given that priests were responsible for that confusing fuck up maybe the best solution would be to leave making sense out of that fucking mess was a task best left to the experts.

Unfortunately there are a lot of priests, and as that church found in the first four centuries, whenever you put that many priests into one conference room all they will do is quarrel and fight for centuries and even ages of time over those contradictory fuck ups in the Bible, and so therefore the ultimate solution was to just pick one single priest, the Pope, and that Pope could use the sacred tweezers and pluck out one bible verse to keep and then pluck out one contradictory verse to throw away onto the ignored scrap pile, while that High Priest would also spend a lot of time dropping pianos on the heads of all those other priests to keep them quiet and well behaved. It is the Catholic way of dealing with that fucked up and unholy looking bible of theirs.