Tuesday, October 9, 2007

600 Rotten Bible Laws

Now that Ramon is back, I thought it might be good to start having some more fun with those 600 rotten Bible laws. Sooner or later I am not going to be able to chase away those flying fig leaf peddling snakes. However, just to make the best of a bad situation, if some of you people out there would like to get some idea of what a dancing angel might look like, you might want to take a look at Ramon's snake videos, and you will get some idea of what I am talking about. One of the differences between myself and Ramon is that I am able to talk to the dancing angel, and I can get 'yes or no' answers to questions, which gives me some feedback (the craft becomes brilliantly luminous to indicate 'yes' or it fades to indicate 'no').

I am not really in the mood to go on a hilarious rip and shred those six hundred bible laws with ironic satire, however I thought I might point out a few of the more excellent examples of these stone age superstitions, starting with those pigeon laws.

Now the pigeon was an all purpose bird, and you could buy a pigeon whenever you needed to make an animal sacrifice for some sin, but were unable to afford something more expensive, such as a sheep, goat or cow. Consider those pigeons to be the Walmart option.

Pigeons were always on sale, for women were always menstruating, and so priests could peddle pigeons at least once a month, because women were always bleeding out of their pussies, which was a sin, which required a women to buy a pigeon and wring that birds neck to 'atonement for her unclean blood.'

Childbirth was also a sin, and even the Virgin Mary was required to purchase and strangle a couple of pigeons to make up for that dreadful sin of giving birth to the little Lord Jesus, and then she was required to go into prison and be in solitary confinement. Fortunately the priests only locked her up for a short time because the little Lord Jesus was a boy baby, which is less a sin than giving birth to a girl which would get a woman locked up in solitary confinement for about two months. You see, as powerful a ritual as twisting the head off a pigeon was it was still not powerful enough to make up for the sin of child birth, and thus women had to be sent to prison for a time to make up for a sin that bad. One can only assume that without the dead pigeon, women would be locked up for a year or two instead of just getting two months in solitary confinement, so we can say that ripping the head off some pigeon was still useful even if it was not completely effective.

Pigeons were also useful when it came to removing the sin out of houses. You could tell that your house had a sin upon it when such things as mold and mildew showed up on your bathroom tiles. The way to get rid of such a sin as 'house leprosy', as they called it in prehistoric times, was to buy two pigeons. The first pigeon would have its neck twisted off and then it would be held upside down until a pan was filled with its draining blood. The second live pigeon would then have its beak used as a cleaning tool According to those wonderfully intelligent Bible laws, what you were supposed to do is dip that live pigeons beak into the blood of the dead pigeon and then use that beak as a tool to get rid of that mold and mildew. You would then wait one week, and if that did not work, and you still had mildew on your bathroom tiles, then you must call for a priest and the priest will burn your house down. This was required because your house remained sinful, and there was also the risk of having that mildew hop off the walls and onto people, this being the cause of human leprosy. To prevent this dreadful disease it was required to try that pigeon beak thing and when that didn't work, which it probably never did, then they would be burning down houses as part of the prehistoric world's ongoing battle with leprosy.