Sunday, December 9, 2007

Manufacturing busted toasters

I was reading this piece coming out of the Vatican titled The Virgin Without Sin. It is all about how Mary, for the reason that she was going to push a divine human hybrid such as Hercules out of her pussy later on in life, was granted the one time offer of being born without so much as a taint of the original sin on her. Among the many benefits this gracious act bestowed upon the wife and mother of God was that her pussy did not bleed once a month and she was also blessed to have no sexual hormones, thus meaning that it is very unlikely that she ever felt horny in her life and thus it was easy for her to become a role model for the perfect married wife because she never allowed Joseph to touch her pussy throughout her entire life. Unfortunately there is no doctrine about the immaculate conception of Joseph since he wasn't going to be getting laid and besides Mary was going to get it on with a ghost and so there was no reason to give Joseph perfect sinless sperm because he really wasn't involved in the divine plan except that he was going to get married to Mary for strictly formal reasons, I must suppose. Either that was true or it could be that Joseph married the Virgin Mary and then much to his shocked surprise he found out about that immaculate conception thing later on when it was to late. Either way, given that Joseph was born with a sinful penis and didn't get in on that immaculate conception deal that would mean that he must have had wet dreams probably about once every two weeks, when involuntarily his sinful flesh would force him to imagine that he was actually screwing Mary. I assume that he never jerked off and so wet dreams it was, for the only way that Joseph could have avoided that wet dream business is if he was born with an immaculate penis that did not pull such stunts and was therefore only used for urination, but sadly for Joseph that did not happen because he wasn't going to be donating any sperm to that project and so he lost on that wonderful fucking deal.

With the dogma of the Immaculate Conception, the Catholic Church affirms that Mary, on account of a singular privilege bestowed by God and in view of the merits of Christ's death, was preserved from contracting the stain of original sin and came into existence already completely holy. Four years after being defined by Pope Pius IX, this truth was confirmed by the Madonna herself at Lourdes in an apparition to Bernadette with the words: "I am the Immaculate Conception."

Fortunately there was emperical evidence to back up that immaculate conception tale otherwise there might be some skeptics around who would feel that this was some fiction cooked up by some Pope and not something that actually happened in the real world, and so it is good that we have the rock solid word of Bernadette.

I find it interesting to note that apparently being born very sinful is an arbitrary thing, for it would seem that the only reason why anyone has sin is because God is like a manufacturer who produces nothing but defective toasters. Now we know that it is possible for God to manufacture a half decent toaster once in a while, should the mood come upon God to create a human being without a sin so that like Mary, God's wife, people could be born into the world saved rather than being born damned thus making a lot of work for priests who must exhaust themselves trying to rectify God's mistakes. It turns out that only Mary, the mother of God, could get in on that deal of being arbitrarily born without any sin, since apparently that isn't a requirement and being born sinful and damned is just something that God does on purpose simply because God is God and therefore there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it. So there.

For Mary it would be birth without a sin and for everyone else it would be sacraments and penance and lots and lots of religion, since keeping a priest busy was apparently all part of the divine plan of God. Either that or this must be some kind of make work project cooked up by priests, because, after all, who wants to be out of a job?