Friday, November 9, 2007

The Maniac on the Mount

The first five books of the Bible are known as the Torah, which translates as ‘the law of God.’ Rumor has it that Moses went up the mountain and stayed there for forty days holding meetings with God during which time God dictated and Moses wrote down what God was going on about, and in this way we have the true divine laws, and we know it, because it was all dictated by God during a divine encounter on top of some mountain in the Sinai desert.

For some reason Moses decided to bring down those five books and publish them as ‘the divine law of God’ rather than secretly slipping away and tossing those manuscripts into the fire before there was a chance that the bad influence of God might turn humanity into a collection of fanatical maniacs.

It turns out that God is a maniac. God wants genocide and ethnic cleansing, rape, plunder, looting and pillage.

"Put the men to the sword, but the women and all the spoil you may take as booty. This is how you are to deal with far away lands. But in the lands that nearby you must not spare a living soul." Deut. 20:10

"Annihilate the nations you are dispossessing and make your home in their country." Deut. 12:29

"Put the inhabitants to the slaughter without giving any quarter and burn their town down." Deut. 13:15

“Kill every woman who has had sexual relations with a man, and kill every little boy, but keep the virgins for yourselves…divide them up evenly.” Num. 31:17

God did not want to come down and do all that mass murder in person, but rather it was the will of God to outsource to human beings the dirty job of all that up close and personal sword hacking.

“God’s purpose in doing this was to train future generations in the art of warfare, that is, all those who had not known it before.” Judges 3:2

Centuries later this dreadful problem would repeat itself when once again God would dictate another book, this time to Mohammed, and God would once again call for more of that same sword chopping and would also demand that Muslims use knives to saw off human heads. This latest violent trouble making rant of God was then published as the ‘Koran’. Bad habits are so hard to break. Apparently this will be the last time God will be found stirring up violence for according to what the Muslims tell us the Koran is ‘the seal of the prophets’ and was God’s last word on the subject, so we can expect no more trouble from God in the future and that only leaves us to get rid of all the trouble that God caused in the past. If we can just find some way to shake off the filthy influence of God in the past then finally humanity will be safe from the mind warping ideology of God, unless God also turns out to be a liar, and discards the promise made to those Muslims, and decides to try again and write just one more document.

There is a possibility that God might want to break that promise to those Muslims that the Koran would be God’s top document and final word, for it is characteristic of God to bitch and complain to prophets that no one ever listens to God on this planet. Now I do see that there are a few Muslims who are still willing to obey God and saw those heads off with knives and bring in really tough Sharia law, and there are fundamentalist Christians who remain devoted to doing some of God’s law, if not every last one like they used to do when they were killing all those natives a few generations ago (“Kill all the natives of the land. You must not leave a single one alive.” God). But things are slipping and falling behind. It would seem that humanity needs a fresh dose of God to get the violence level back up to par on this planet and that probably means another one of those divine interventions, and therefore humanity should be on the watch for another one of those Maniacs on the Mount. It could happen at any time.

Breaking free of the cruelty of God has always been a problem for the human race, for there is always one more Maniac on the Mount who will appear on the scene to cause even more trouble, this sort of thing happening from time to time throughout history. They tell us this ‘Jesus Christ’ was the Son of God, which means that it must have true that this ‘Jesus’ was the Son of Sam, the Son of a Maniac. This would seem to be true, for ‘Jesus’ was just one more of those Maniacs on the Mount. This you can confirm for yourself by reading through his famous ‘Sermon on the Mount’ and you will find that he certainly qualifies for the title ‘Son of God’ for this much celebrated sermon is just one more of those rants that we expect when some Maniac is on the Mount.

According to the wise council of ‘Jesus’ in that most celebrated of sermons, no one must ever think that he was going to cancel out those previous laws of God. Apparently some people might have somehow have gotten the idea that he might be canceling the Laws of God, but he wasn’t going to cancel even so much as one of those deranged laws. No, certainly not, for heaven and earth could pass away and hell could freeze over ten times colder than Antarctica, and he would still not cancel even so much as one of those laws. Rather he was launching a crackdown and those laws would all be kept around and fulfilled right down to the last dot over the last letter ‘i’ and until the last letter ‘t’ would be crossed. No one should ever think he was in favor of watering down some of the worst of those dreadful, awful laws, because he wasn’t and those horrible laws would all be done right down to the last letter. This is the opening salvo of this ‘Jesus’, the famous fundamentalist declaration of the infallible inerrancy of the Bible, and is just the way this ‘Jesus’ had of setting us all straight by letting us know we were going to be disappointed if we were expecting something other than another Maniac on the Mount.

If this ‘Jesus’ had any complaints about those laws it was that they were much too merciful and his intention was to toughen up those laws and make them even stricter than before. Yes, what humanity required was a crackdown, especially when it came to those sex laws, which were not tough enough, because they had been watered down by Moses. Moses just was not tough enough when it came to sex and left to many loop holes because he was going easy on those people. ‘Jesus’ was not about to make that same mistake, and indeed he would be fixing that glaring error by plugging any remaining sex loop holes.

If anyone even so much as thought about sex that would be punished the same way this ‘Jesus’ would punish a person for actually having had sex, because he was making those dreadfully murderous Bible sex laws even stricter than before. Those Bible sex laws only punished sex acts with the death penalty (being burned alive at the stake or stoned to death one stone at a time). This ‘Jesus’ was cracking down and making those laws even more severe, for he would be burning people in hell for even thinking about sex acts, thus plugging that gaping hole in those previous laws whereby people were only punished for doing sex, thus leaving them free to think about sex and get away with it.

Therefore, according to sage advice of that latest of the Maniacs on the Mount, it would be better for humanity to saw their hands off throw those sawed off hands into the fire to prevent criminal acts of masturbation, for he was burning people in hell for the sex thoughts that went along with that sex act of jerking off. Better for that hand to be punished with the death penalty than for the whole body to remain attached to that sinful hand and suffer the same consequences. It would be better for them to poke their eyeballs out with a salad fork if they couldn’t stop themselves from looking, and throw those sexually sinful eyeballs into a fire, for it would be better for those two sexually sinful eyeballs to burn than to have ‘Jesus’, that latest divine Maniac on the Mount, throw those two eyeballs into hell with the person still firmly attached.

Contemplation of all this causes me to wonder if people ever stop to think before they praise our divine preachers, or before they bust out into song over that sermon delivered by that Maniac on the Mount. I have to wonder about this after having listened to this fundamentalist Maniac on the Mount thump the Bible, and declare that contradictory pile of nonsense to be infallible and inerrant, and then launch even more lunatic attacks on humanity than those launched by Moses, that first Maniac on the Mount, a tradition then carried on by the Maniac Mohammed, who was just as deranged as those other two maniacs.. Does anyone ever actually read that monstrous Rant on the Mount before they bust out into praise for that poisonous sermon? Apparently it doesn’t take much to please some people, and even if some deranged maniac should climb up a mountain and launch into some delusional vicious rant, for some damnable reason that fundamentalist attack will be celebrated far and wide, by liberals and conservatives alike, as one of history’s greatest sermons delivered by one of the greatest philosophers of all time, even though if you actually read that thing and thought carefully about what you were reading it would be obvious that this is not some divine philosopher but rather just another one of those Maniacs on the Mount.