In the wake of my latest Lenny Bruce routine, where I appeared as the Nakedly Human Faggit and the evangelist of the Porn stars, there has been this counter reaction where churches and church personalities suddenly feel the need to once again address the critical burning social issue of that dreadful scourge, that undertreated unrecognized psychological disease known as 'porno addiction'. Even the Liberal Democrat websites like Alternet have jumped onto the anti-porno bandwagon and have been publishing one sided broadsides aimed at the porn industry day in and day out, leading one of the posters in their comments section to ask the question, 'why all of a sudden all this anti-porno stuff'.
I would just like to say that I would appreciate it very much if you people out there would acknowledge my existence, and I know you don't want to, since any attention I receive is bad attention because it was attention, however it would be the decent thing to do. I am only kept so oppressed because I am so damned good at what I do, and if I was some loser no one would bother with the lock and the key. As I am aware, despite the lock and despite the key, I am famously not famous, being known in churches all over the world, having achieved this little feat over many, many years and in spite of every foolish attempt to lock the chapel door lest I should stroll by and pop in. I am also famous in the parliaments and other governing bodies and among the media and perhaps in other places I don't yet know about, the reason being you just cannot be so damned ruinously ironic and so damned funny from time to time without becoming notorious. The lesson to be learned here is that the lock and the key do not work properly and only serves to slow things down and thus lengthen out the period of the suffering of this suffering planet which is a fucked up plot and no damned good for anything. They say that hindsight is one hundred percent foresight, and so therefore someday that will become crystal clear to everyone but until then I thought I would do some people a favor by pointing out the obvious truth right now, thus giving them a jumping head start in figuring it out for themselves.
There is one church denomination, I believe it is the Methodists, who are now bringing in a really extra tough anti-porno policy. As part of this fresh new policy of theirs they are also going to be offering 'sensitivity training' and psychological therapy for any lost soul who happens to be unlucky enough to be caught with porn, for as they point out, porno is a criminal offense under Methodist religious law. I would suppose that making people more 'sensitive' to ruinously destructive influences of porno is the 'compassionate treatment' for such an offense, since rather than really throwing the book at someone who was convicted of that crime, the Methodists have chosen to make people more aware of the value of fig leaves and why it is that we wear those things so that our sexuality will not become fucked up like it does when people watch porn. For, you see, our sexuality is like a precious gift and thus is a very sacred thing, which is why we wear fig leaves in the Garden, to keep it like that and this is why we must stop people from degrading human sexuality by chucking the sacred leaf thus ruining that whole plan of keeping our human sexuality just precious and very, very sacred. The best way to do that would be to cover everyone with a fig leaf thus keeping sexuality cherished and quite special instead of being downgraded and ruined by not wearing the Holy Leaf of the Fig. Why its a marvelous fucking idea, and everyone should see that, and if they can't, well perhaps the guilt trip of sensitivity training as well as the manipulative peer pressure of Methodists whose scowling faces might be confused with the 'conviction of the Holy Ghost' might make the point perfectly clear to any offender who commits the crime of not keeping sex sacred by ditching the leaf.
Now as we know so very well, the Bible is one notorious fucked up mess. It is for this reason that in the past we would have rabbis gathering together all the fucked up and inconsistent contradictory Bible verses on some subject or another, and then those rabbis, because they refused to acknowledge that they had assembled a fucked up mess, would proceed to solve the 'divine mystery' of scripture by mumbling and muttering in the commentaries, this form of nonsense becoming known as rabbinical Midrash. Christians also find it necessary to do a little Midrash themselves which is why we have apologists and theologians and so called Doctors of the Church, since apparently the prerequisite required to be hired for those jobs is that one refuse to acknowledge the simple truth about those fucked up contradictory Bible verses and just become a deceitful liar instead, with your reputation secured if you can come up with the most plausible sounding falsehood which can then go down in history as the orthodox fucked up idea of the church.
The solution I have come up with is to be nakedly human, and so therefore it is required that I be very scandalous, for how can one be truly human and truly naked before the world without it being considered a dreadful scandal and without Methodists requiring therapeutic intervention. I remember back during the last year of the Clinton administration (yes, it has been so very long for me) the charge was leveled against me, among others, that I was obscene and pornographic, a real pornographer myself, since I was being nakedly human at the time, and this was just before I was arrested by the cops and then thrown into the cellar of our local mental institution, the high security part, where they put the most dangerous lunatics.
Well as you can see, now that I am on the streets again and my psychological cure did not stick, I am still a criminal and still as sick as I ever was. Now I know that you people, whom God does not speak even so much as one word to, just as God never gave so much as one thin dime to your ancestors for such a very, very long long time, do not accept the stories I tell you about what began for me at Banff National Park, and what continues to this very day, as I keep pointing out to you, for after all, with your high status, having been washed by a bloody lamb, born again as fresh as a kicking newborn with the umbilical cord still attached, yes, if even the pure of heart and the outstanding saved among us cannot get one word out of God or even a nickel or penny tossed your way, it obvious that my story is bullshit because that never happens for you people, now does it.
Well as I am demonstrating to you, the reason for your long, brutal exile is that you people are supremely fucked up, and this is best illustrated by the fact that you are foolishly found peddling those ever so Christian fig leaves in YAHWEH's Garden of Eden. We could debate theology here, but I have a better plan for you people, and my plan simply put is to be very nakedly human, as I have been, and then as the situation works its way to its conclusion I will also be the chosen one, the Prophet of YAHWEH, which should then be much more effective than some endless theological debate, not to mention those endless quarrels over those ridiculous contradictory Bible verses, which must therefore be quite worthless as a proof text for any fucking thing, given the obviously fucked up source.
I am in demonstration mode now, because I am through debating with you people. I am going to do my thing and now you people can go back to doing your thing, and while you are doing your thing you can become full of complete confidence in your eventual victorious triumph, for after all, I am a fellow who, it is so very obvious, is heading towards my inevitable total ruin. All you have to do is wait me out and then after I have crashed against the rocks and then I sink like the Titanic, everything will go back to normal, and you can be Methodists and Catholics and whatevers once again. For as every good Methodists knows so very well, God is some ruthless son of a bitch who doesn't do one single fucking thing for anyone, ever, throughout all of recorcded church history, and so therefore it is quite obvious that I am going to become supremely fucked over sooner or later. So then, don't worry about a thing. Everything will be just fine. Just wait, you will see. 'That prophet will turn out to be nothing more than some loud mouthed windbag, and the Word will not be found in him.'
The point to be made here is that porno is a nonissue. Yes, there are many important issues in the world that rise right to the top of the pile, but porno is not an issue here. In fact it is so far from being an issue that I am the Prophet of YAHWEH and you are not. That is the point of my little exercise, and as I am warning you people, that will be made abundantly clear to you in the future, even I am unable to make it clear to you today.
